This week has presented a lot of opportunity to get lost in my head about the mother I thought I would be versus the mother I actually am. My mom never missed a beat. I'm sure there were so many things going on behind the scenes that I never knew about, but in my childhood eyes and in my memory, her ability to care for us was unmatched. My dance recital costumes were always the model of perfection, each sequin perfectly placed. Never too many sequins and never too few. Those costumes would hang in order of my performances in a perfectly staked out changing room for quick and easy access between numbers. Every Friday, I would arrive home from high school with my twirling uniform and accessories neatly laid out on my bed so I could effortlessly change and get back to the school for the football game. My brother, sister and I always met our fundraising expectations for various organizations, had the equipment we needed when we needed it and always completed the projects asked of us at school because my mom made sure of it. I can only remember one holiday that our house was not elaborately decorated and there was no delicious holiday meal on the table, and that was because my grandfather was in the last stage of a difficult battle with cancer. Even then, while my mom was in the hospital with my grandfather, my dad who only knew how to cook chili and spaghetti was in the kitchen trying to fill the gap and follow my mom's recipes to put some form of a holiday meal on the table. We of course helped, but all of our efforts together still couldn't match my mom. That's the kind of mom I thought I would be. That's the kind of mom I wanted to be.
This week I was walking down the Kindergarten hall and stopped to look at the bulletin board outside Andrew's class. Each child had an All About Me page on the board with their favorite things and a picture of their family. Andrew's picture was simply a drawing of us because I didn't have time to print a picture. Andrew attended his second cub scouts event today with no uniform because I haven't had time to get it. I haven't turned in Will's homework folder in the last two weeks because I simply forgot. Honestly, I forget a lot of things. I'm lucky if I get a few decorations up during the holidays and it's often poorly done. Sometimes it feels like just another thing to do; it means more clean up, more to keep Will out of, more to stop Will from putting in his mouth, most likely something breaking, and a possible meltdown from Will because the house looks different. Mostly, it's all because I'm too tired. But...while I'm not the mom I wanted to be, I'm always working to be the mom I need to be. And, I know my mom was doing the same. I'm grateful for the way I grew up, and I'm grateful for a mother who poured her whole self into us. Her selflessness allowed me to succeed. I realized this week that I have been harboring so much guilt for letting things fall through the cracks for my kids, for letting them be the kids whose mom can't get it together. In my mind, I put up a side by side view of my childhood versus my kids' childhood and while the two look drastically different, the same intent to build a family full of love, respect, humility, and self-worth is there. The same intent to promote happy, successful, servant-hearted children is there. We are just a bit messy y'all. Our family doesn't come tied up in a pretty package. We couldn't even if we tried. Pretty packages, disheveled packages, broken packages...all are worthy.
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Charming, quirky and incredibly loving. Will loves his friends, swimming, the iPad, the Avett Brothers, observing the world upside down, climbing, jumping and being chased.
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October 2017
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