I recently attended my first PTA meeting on the same night that Will's elementary school was holding a science night. As I sat in my car after the meeting and watched kids and their parents pour into the school, I had a fuzzy sense of nostalgia. I remembered all the events I attended at my elementary school like holiday programs and my brother's Boy Scout derby races. I loved my elementary school, and I loved nights like these. A bit unexpectedly, my nostalgia faded and everyone seemed to slow down, the color dimmed and it felt like I was watching everyone from behind a wall of glass. I felt boxed out, completely separate from all of these parents and their excited children. All I could think about was Will wasn't there. He's missing out, and life is just passing us all by while we sit and watch from the window. Will isn't ready for that type of event. The confusion of going back to school in the evening, the break in routine, the sensory overload, and complex social skills needed to navigate that event were all just too much.
I let myself despair a little. Would he ever be able to attend an event like this? The answer is an unequivocal yes. It took me a few minutes to get there, but I found the strength to tell myself yes. The scene in front of me sped up again, and I was left to reflect. School has been an overwhelming success so far. Will's teacher increased the difficulty of his work in the first month because he was completing his work so quickly. He is spontaneously using words and phrases we've never heard before. He is making connections with all of his teachers, and his anxiety has reduced dramatically. There are always places I can push for more, but overall Will is adjusting well. So much has happened since the start of school, events I've attended and little stories people have shared with me, that has allowed me to glimpse the bigger picture in all of this. The pieces are always present but there are moments when those pieces of Will's life weave together and reveal something so clear and beautiful. Will and I are already doing some things at his school that haven't been done before, good things that are hopefully paving the path for other children with special needs. Will's personality and energy have already won everyone's hearts. In just two months at school, he is proving that despite his struggles his capability matches that of his typical peers. I recently attended an evening out for moms of special needs children that was hosted by Hill Country Bible Church and a reunion for a ministry at my church that hosts weekly meetings for first time mothers to connect. The group of mothers I was with formed the playgroup that I am still friends with 6 years later. Both of these events allowed me to spend time with incredible women who have greatly impacted my life, women that are only a part of my life because of Will. We are still meeting up with our friends from our magical year of preschool, and I could not be more grateful to Will for bringing those kids and their families into my life. One of my friends from this preschool group recently shared with me that her son has a classmate this year with autism. After many days of this classmate leaving the room and all of the kids thinking he was in trouble, they finally learned he had autism. Her son came home and told her that his classmate wasn't in trouble and he was special, special like Will. I did not get emotional in front of her, but I did later when telling Matt because here's the thing, I realized at that moment how big and pervasive Will's impact has truly been. For four and a half years, Will has had 40 hour weeks learning the skills necessary to function and while those skills are so important, his ability to learn them are not what make him a contributing member of society. What makes the world go are all the things that make each of us interesting and the special things that we each bring to the table. I mean the really unique, inherent qualities we each possess. Somehow, someway Will's presence is big and bold. He leads without trying and imparts gifts with no strings attached. This life is hard. It's hard for Will. It's hard for us, and it's hard for Andrew. These moments of clarity, though, show our family we are not alone in this journey and they provide hope at times when we need it most. We are so blown away by the sheer magnitude that is Will. So yes, this capable, marvelous boy will one day attend a school event. In the grand scheme of all that he has already accomplished, a science event will just be icing on the cake.
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Charming, quirky and incredibly loving. Will loves his friends, swimming, the iPad, the Avett Brothers, observing the world upside down, climbing, jumping and being chased.
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October 2017
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