I have been letting this post roll around in my head for a while because it's not an easy one to write. I am grateful that the blog Beautiful in His Time provided a great summary on how to encourage special needs moms. It is especially important that it's written from the point of view of a mom with a typically developing child. It would be easy for a special needs parent to unintentionally imply the need for special treatment or sympathy when all we really want is acceptance, support, someone to rejoice with us when our child meets a goal, and a little grace. Here are some thoughts based on my own experience.
Inclusion is one of the most important things for which we advocate. A majority of special needs children do better in smaller groups, so one-on-one play dates are ideal; however, interaction with other children can still be a struggle. A strong connection between young children often fosters a strong connection between mothers. Will and I both need and want these connections. Even though a special needs child may not interact with your child, please know he isn't oblivious to your child's presence, and that he will remember every moment of that play time later on. Let your children ask questions! There isn't a lot that offends us special needs moms. Children are naturally curious and should not be made to think it's wrong to ask questions about someone different from them. It's better to take the time to understand Will's unique qualities rather than pretend they aren't there. Creating an open environment is important to a typically developing child's ability to form relationships with all types of people and learn compassion. I am trying to learn more about a variety of special needs to better connect with and support other special needs moms. I often flounder and probably ask some tacky questions, but my intentions are good. I have found this is true of most people that ask me questions. We are very fortunate to have a lot of family and friends close by that are always willing to watch Will when we need it. This is not the case for all special needs parents, especially those with children who have physical disabilities. It is VERY hard to find childcare for a child with special needs. Please consider educating yourself on a particular special need and helping a parent out, whether it's to give them a night out, allow them to attend church or simply go to a doctor's appointment alone. I have read about people and seen a number of people on Facebook who complain about noisy children at restaurants, on airplanes, in stores, etc. While there are probably many children out there who could use a little more discipline, you would be surprised how hard it is to tell between a child who is acting out because they can't help it and one who is acting out because of poor discipline. While no one wants to be in close proximity to a screaming child, please take a second to consider that the child may not be able to help it. While you may have to listen to the noise for 30 minutes, that parent listens to it everyday. I think most special needs parents understand it is not their right to eat out or fly on an airplane or do anything that does not meet a basic need. Those things are luxuries, ones that special needs parents have to work very hard for. We have no plans of taking Will on an airplane soon unless it's some sort of emergency. We do go out to restaurants, but we have a very specific strategy and if Will spirals out of control, we simply box up our food and leave because we are not going to subject other restaurant patrons to his screaming. With that said, we do have the right to give our son the opportunity to succeed in public situations. He has the right to try. He has the right to learn in real-life situations. Before taking it up with a manager or on Facebook about how a particular child might be hindering your experience, please assess the situation. Try to find out more about the family or child first. Even better, see if there is something you can do to help. Most importantly, I truly want to hear about everything your typically developing child is doing. I want to know the new funny things they are saying, how their pretend play is taking off and what new foods they love. I want to listen to you vent about your latest behavior problems and struggles. While I may not be able to reciprocate in these conversations, I love learning about your children. I will be honest that it's hard to listen. It can be heart-breaking at times. No matter how much it may hurt though, I want to join in the joy of watching your child learn and empathize with you when you are struggling. All special needs parents at some point in their journey grieve the child they thought they would have. We anxiously await the birth of our children, imagining them say their first word, explore their world, color their first picture, play t-ball, play with friends and once they are here, who they will grow up to be and who they will marry. We have hopes and dreams for our children that are all of a sudden thrown into limbo. We have to grieve these pre-conceived memories, lay them to rest and start celebrating the child we do have. We want you to celebrate our children with us. About halfway through my pregnancy with Will, I knew he was special. I think all mothers feel this way during pregnancy, but this feeling was different. It was strong, the kind you cannot ignore or chalk up to hormones or the joy that comes from almost being a new parent. I knew and said on multiple occasions to Matt that our child is meant to do great things in this world. Despite his diagnosis and the daily challenges to understand and respond to his environment, I believe this now more than ever. My son was knit in my womb exactly as he is for a purpose, and he will make his mark on this world. Thank you to all of our family and friends who support and love Will for the extraordinary person that he is. His journey is easier and brighter because of you.
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Charming, quirky and incredibly loving. Will loves his friends, swimming, the iPad, the Avett Brothers, observing the world upside down, climbing, jumping and being chased.
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