Sometimes emotional exhaustion sneaks up on me when I least expect it. I teamed up with my best little bud to go on his first field trip today. Even though he was a little overwhelmed and tired halfway through, we loved spending all day together. However, I find myself still struggling a bit to find my place in Andrew's world. It's getting easier but as my second, his world was not my introduction into motherhood. I did not study and train to parent a typical child first. In fact, I had to shift completely away from any thought I had of what parenthood would look like. Any special needs parent will tell you that you grieve that life that lives inside your head, then you let it go and forge ahead loving the child you have for who they are with everything you have. And as of September 2013, that's what I did. Now, it often feels like I'm going in reverse.
I met another family on the field trip today who have a child in the special education program. I watched as they stayed close to his side, holding his hand most of the time, prompting him to do what the other kids were doing. I watched as he ate things off the ground during the class picture. I watched as he threw a tantrum during a short instruction time, throwing himself on the ground because the waiting was so hard. I watched as the aide that accompanied him was giving him reinforcers to help him work through the waiting time. I watched them leave a little early because the field trip was just a little too long for his overwhelmed senses. And it was strange because for the first time, I was the parent of a typical child watching the parents of a special needs child try to give him a normal experience amongst his peers. I was the parent whose child didn't need me to watch and prompt his every move, stressing about the unpredictability of the entire situation. I was talking to other parents, not paras. And with tears, I can tell you that while I was less stressed, I was also more uncomfortable as this parent. I am grateful that my experience allows me the ease to interact with families that may make others uncomfortable and that just maybe I can be helpful in an intense situation, but sometimes it does feel like I'm in a one man play constantly going back stage for a costume change. Always the same person underneath but being asked to perform a multitude of roles. I feel guilty about how hard I have to work to get out of my special needs mom head when the time calls for it. It's part of my identity. I can't shed it, but at times I do have to dial it back a bit for Andrew's sake. Their world will forever intersect, and honestly the goal will always be to show them that the most beautiful moments in life will be when their lives are intersecting. That said, they are different people who deserve to have their individuality nurtured. They each deserve their own character and life building moments, and they each deserve a mom who tries her best to lovingly guide them. I never want Andrew to feel that my role in his life plays second to my role in Will's life. It's a delicate balance I haven't quite figured out yet. Maybe I never will. Maybe being present and loving abundantly despite ourselves is enough.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Charming, quirky and incredibly loving. Will loves his friends, swimming, the iPad, the Avett Brothers, observing the world upside down, climbing, jumping and being chased.
Archives
October 2017
|