Cleaning out my closet today, and I came across a box of pictures and mementos from Will's infant years. All things I can attach to the years dubbed "before we knew." What a confusing and strange life this is. To look back at those things and know what it felt like to wonder what his life would look like and to be here now and know all the heartbreak.
The last few months, behaviors resurfaced that we thought we left behind us, leaving us on the precipice of change for Will. We are waiting to see what changes to his regimen need to be made and if those changes to behavior strategies and medication are successful. Will has been on anxiety medication since he was four. You would think by now I'm used to giving my child an anti-depressant every day. I'm not, and speaking the name of a new medication is still difficult. I know he needs it. I know his brain does not naturally produce what he needs to remain calm. I know he has compulsive behaviors that inhibit his ability to function in daily life. I know there are so many things about the world that make him nervous. And I know that the difficulty he has communicating causes panic. It's still hard. I will never get used to the side effects and the process of trying new medications. The adverse reactions that cause inexplicable rage, the shakes and profuse sweating, turning into a zombie, losing his little personality, falling asleep in the middle of the day. I've seen it said so many times that parents are lazy and don't want to deal with their kids so they immediately turn to medication instead of actually parenting. I can tell you that is a myth and a judgement. Most parents do not take medication decisions lightly. The interesting thing in this particular valley of behavior is that Will's language has continued to progress at a rapid rate, and he is more consistently showing us his sense of humor. Usually his language significantly regresses during intense periods of behavior. God's hand at work for sure showing us that our boy is in there. These are the things you hang on to, the same things that confuse you. Autism just doesn't make sense. We will get through this change. I don't know if I will look back eight years from now with less heartbreak, but I will certainly have more stories to tell about autism's wonder. One of the most common conversations that takes place in our house is between me and Andrew... “Why did he do that Mama?" "I don’t know, but he loves you and we love him. We are a team, and we help each other. We will figure it out.”
1 Comment
Anna
1/22/2020 06:26:31 pm
Thank you Alicia for sharing.
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Charming, quirky and incredibly loving. Will loves his friends, swimming, the iPad, the Avett Brothers, observing the world upside down, climbing, jumping and being chased.
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