Well, we are one day into week 3 of our local stay at home order. The announcement triggered memories for me that are still difficult to revisit. It's been a long time since I was home with both boys all day. Those years were painful physically and mentally, and I reacted to possibly being forced to relive those days. The days where my body was a full time punching bag. The days where my mental capacity was overrun from moving from behavior strategy to behavior strategy trying to figure out what would make the frustration end, what would make the attempts to hurt Andrew end, what would make the screaming stop and what could possibly make Will happy. Except this time it would be with a 9 year old who is almost as tall as me, not a 3 year old. I couldn't bear the thought of enduring that for weeks on end. To my great relief, God once again went ahead of me, protecting Will and our family from my greatest fear and directing the course of Will's journey in ways I would never know to ask.
In January, we set in motion a series of appointments to change Will's medication regimen and some therapy goals. We noticed behavioral changes that we hoped were temporary. After a couple of months of observation, we felt strongly that the behaviors indicated his current medication was no longer working. The timing of our convictions was unknowing precise as exactly two weeks ago, we finally found the correct dosage, and some of the behaviors I most feared disappeared. Without those changes, I'm not sure we would have made it to the other end of this undamaged. The days are still long and hard. Will can't work independently at home yet, and still needs to be monitored most of the day. The level of attention he needs leaves Andrew, at just 5 years old, to do most of his work independently. I've been harder on Andrew when he misbehaves because I simply can't afford for him to act out. That's not really fair, and there will never be a perfect solution to that problem. Matt and I are taking this quarantine week by week, reviewing best practices and adjusting our schedules to make sure we support both of our boys to the best of our ability. We aren't homeschooling and don't plan to. Homeschooling is a choice made because it is the best choice for your family. Homeschooling requires years of refinement to create a program that fits your family. My best friend, who has homeschooled for years, wisely told me to choose a few goals I want to accomplish during this time and let everything I do revolve around those goals. We have also reaffirmed our family rules and refer to the often throughout the day to keep working on being better members of the team and honor the times we are being outstanding members of the Markum team. This time has already allowed us to observe skills we didn't know either of our children had, and we have watched them play together more than ever. Goodness born from an unexpected and difficult situation. Throughout this unique and harrowing ordeal we all find ourselves in, I haven't and still don't feel a sense of panic...lots of confusion, but not panic. It's taken some time for me to understand my reaction and wrap my head around why my feelings about this unique and scary event feel less pronounced than my feelings in the aftermath of 9/11. In the last few years, I've done a lot of work on my mental health. My early years with Will left me broken in so many ways because I was not fully equipped to handle what would be my life. I had to work through feelings of guilt, regret and deep sadness to fight my way to where I am and who I am now. I've cultivated tools to battle those feelings and find joy even when it seems there is no joy to be found. Improving my physical health was the first and most important step in improving my mental health. I still work with a therapist who helps me sort through the whys of my confusion and anger and has helped me shape who I want to be going forward. I am a believer in the grace and mercy of a loving Savior, and my faith sustains me. I absolutely still have bad days, but I am equipped to rally time and again when faced with adversity. As a parent of a child with autism, I live in crisis mode every day. Before this pandemic, during this pandemic and long after I will continue to face a very murky and unknown future. I know what it is to have something sudden and traumatic thrown in your lap and be asked to respond in a way that feels bigger than what you can manage. I know what it is to have your whole life abruptly change and suddenly feel uncertain about everything. Seven years ago, a doctor uttered eight words (Have you ever heard of autism spectrum disorder?) that would change my life forever. I was very suddenly forced to grieve what I thought was certain, leave it behind and stumble my way into a new normal. That is what you all feel now. The heightened emotions, the anxiety of a seemingly unending timeline, no clear vision of the future or really what the next day will hold. You are grieving the world as you knew it and being asked to embrace the scary unknown. It will be ok. The beauty of facing hard things is it forces you to examine the weight of the things you value and almost always results in a meaningful shift in perspective. This time will be hard, but once you wade through the harsh reality that simply lies on the surface, you will start to see deeper, and it's in the deep that you will find so much goodness. It's hard to believe right now, but your life will somehow be made better by what you are enduring now. As always, The Avett Brothers speak to my soul during difficult times. These lyrics come from one of mine and Will's favorite songs. I went on the search for something real. Traded what I know for how I feel. But the ceiling and the walls collapsed Upon the darkness I was trapped And as the last of breath was drawn from me The light broke in and brought me to my feet. There's no fortune at the end of the road that has no end. There's no returning to the spoils Once you've spoiled the thought of them. There's no falling back to sleep Once you've wakened from the dream. Now I'm rested and I'm ready I'm rested and I'm ready Yeah I'm rested and I'm ready I'm rested and I'm ready Yeah I'm rested and I'm ready I'm rested and I'm ready To begin. I'm ready to begin. February Seven, The Avett Brothers May we all not fall back to sleep when we get to the other side of this. May we all be rested and ready to begin again with new perspective. Be well friends.
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Charming, quirky and incredibly loving. Will loves his friends, swimming, the iPad, the Avett Brothers, observing the world upside down, climbing, jumping and being chased.
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